Hey Guys,
It has been a very long time since I have written a blog. I have been so busy working and doing other things that my blogging has taken a secondary role. However, I am back and excited to write about my life experiences. This is all about navigating through my life and helping others navigate through theirs.
One of the problems that I had been faced with for a long time was finding a suitable mate. If I am going to be honest, I have tried church hopping, found nothing, internet dating and the list went on and on. I remember after my last break up a girlfriend of mine and I decided that we were going to stop looking, just have a good ole NYC time and hope that if it happens it happens. I remember how we talked at length that it is next to impossible to find someone of quality these days. However that did not stop us from verbalizing what we were looking for in a mate. Lets fast forward two years. I wonder what we found.
These were the things that I found that after they were addressed changed my outcome.
1. I wanted someone who did not represent me.
I fantasized about dating someone who represented "Corporate America". I assumed that a guy who worked in the corporate world looked good, would be well spoken and had the image that I could gladly show off to my female friends. Truth was, I did not and do not work in Corporate America. How did I intend to attract someone who I did not even interact with. Then I went on to the "I want to date a Caucasian" faze. Now do not get me wrong, I do embrace meeting new people and dating outside of my race but how did I intend to attract such a person when I am so immersed in black culture. What I wanted did not represent me.
2. I lacked self confidence.
This is turnoff number one for a guy. I cannot overemphasize this MEN HATE A SHY WOMAN ITS NOT CUTE. Not sure what it was but I was a mess every time I went on a date. Not sure what to eat or drink, being indecisive about everything. Insecure was always written on top of my forehead. I remember being on a date with someone that I had known for years, after awhile he got tired of my pretense and told me to just be myself.
3. Not being able to hold a conversation.
This is turn off number 1.5 because if you have nothing to say, he just thinks you lack intelligence and this calls for an immediate dismissal.
So I posed this question to men, mostly African Americans and I asked them, why do women African American in particular claim that they are finding it hard to find a good man. Two things stood out to me.
1. Attitude.
African American men believe that the "I'm a strong Black woman", syndrome is preventing us from finding love. A lot of us because of being raised in a single parent home have very negative images of men, one of them being, they abandoned us. Therefore we are constantly giving out the "I can do without you" energy. They believe that we are constantly dismissing them, speaking down to them and getting mouthy and physical is never far away.
2. We have lost the traditional roles of womanhood.
Wow!!!!!! This is a big big one. Listen, would it really hurt if you learn to cook? Like seriously. Women are natural nurturers, that is how we were created, therefore it is important that we learn how to cater to our significant other or future significant other.
Okay so I am not an expert on relationships neither can I teach someone how to get a man, but I do believe that what has been presented are very common among women. Tell me what do you think.
Love
Dan
First of all, a woman...especially a good woman, shouldn't have to go out looking for a good man. She should first focus on being a good woman...a God-fearing woman, so that a good man will find her desirable for courtship. You have to become Honey to attract Bees.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, only a real man...especially a God-fearing man will truly appreciate a woman with good standards and values. Women who have values and standards set in place are valued more than women who plunge into relationships with just any man. By setting standards, you can easily eliminate the hassle of attracting losers. They will already know where they stand and won't even bother to approach you...real talk!
That's true but we are living in the 21st century where women are asking man to marry them and so forth. Are they wrong? No, they just abandoned traditions. Not in every case a good man will magically come to you. It doesn't hurt to go out look! Sometimes we as women have to uphold our standards, as you said, and go out and get what we want. Some women don't have guys knocking on their doors or wanting to take them out because they are too prideful to put themselves out their.
DeleteYou have to be able to take care of yourself first and foremost before you want a man to. Take care of you
ReplyDeleteErwin
Dan, I get the Attitude part but as Erwin said, and i said in #3 it starts with you. Women and Men Cheat themselves from good relationships because they can't be themselves or are too busy "pretending" or trying to be something were not.. before you know it. its a lie.. waaaay too much to type! Main thing to think about is not soo much what you are good at, like your a good cook, cleaning, nurturing etc. but what are your faults, limitations, what is your struggle, with dealing with men, other people.. do you lack, conversation skills, confidence, patience, you have an attitude? fear of being alone, fear of losing the man. Not knowing who you are scares a good man away.. the Truth will help you get that good man! link up dan!
ReplyDeleteRamon
Hi Dan
ReplyDeleteYes it has been a while and I love this blog. I have not had the opportunity to do much dating and I hear your cry when it comes to finding a good man. Its good to have standards, however as women we should make these standards a bit more realistic. This is evident in your statement that you would love a "corporate american" type of guy and obviously you cannot relate to someone of this profile.
My mother's words still rings in my ear since I was a little miss to this date...she would say " I can't tell unnuh who fi date jus mek sure dem mek yuh happy.
Woman are far more focused on finding a man with money eg. "corporate american" and not someone they can truly express themselves with or genuinely LOVE...yes yes Danielle Love still exists and I dont think its something we have to search for because sometimes it right under our nose and we fail to recognize.
What I look for in a man are simple things:
1.the kind of relationship he has with his mother..if he shows her no respect he is likely to treat you the same.
2.how does he manage his finance? whether he is rich poor or in between, he should have his game in order or be willing to take pointers
3. At first sight you can imagine what a child with him may look like...DWL
4.AMBITION..
5.he should be able to cook...how will I eat if I am ill?
6.he should be able to make me smile..no corny jokes tho' those smiles or laughter that brings you to tears
7. and most important sex has to be great...this is the best way to communicate without speaking...action speak louder than words ( do not give it up too early tho' as at the early stage of a relationship persons tend to pretend alot...please get to know the person first..then you can decide)
8..there are other characteristics that I can think of but my fingers are tired....lol
My sister Danni, I do enjoy your blogs and you do hit on some key points and also miss on some. I do believe that there’s a setback in dating someone who don't represent you, as you don’t want to date someone that doesn’t represent your core values; but nothing is wrong if he is sophisticate, handsome, well spoken, yet grounded and work in corporate America. On, the contrary most women want a man who pulls his own weight, who inspired and motivated them and is successful. The thing is some guys are on the trajectory to be that corporate guys, while others destiny will take them in the opposite direction.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I’m glad that you are mature enough to recognize your short coming in not finding a suitable spouse, too often the blame is laid on other factors such as a good brother is hard to find or all men are dogs. And Danni, indecisive or shyness is by no mean a pull the plug scenario. Who haven’t being a little of both on a date, sure we don’t like the sweaty arms or hands. But what a guy is really scared of is a woman who is self indulgent. The type that is constantly bragging and talking, non-stop at every opportune time.
This is what I find most nagging about most sisters I have dated:
1. Setting too high of an expectation instead of logical ones, of what they want in a relationship. No guy can live up to all your expectations, and remember we have expectations of ourselves as well which may coincide with yours.
2. Leave your baggage at the door, and by that I mean don’t carry the burden of your past relationship over to the new one. Everyone deserves a clean slate to start with; I don’t want to be judge by the sins of another brother, judge me for the sins that I have incur.
3. The Hollywood Syndrome: too many sisters want the pre- package relationship that is advertise on TV. The pretty boy, who is adorable, pick up the check for you, gave you flowers on the first date and even buy chocolate for your parent. You know the guys that say and do all the right things. So when a sister project all these preconceive attribute onto you, the relationship is bound to fail; in her mind you are all these things, whereas reality contradict that very notion.
Ultimately Danni, far too many of us, fell in love in what we want to see in a person, than what is there. We hope and pray that we are going to mold that person in our image, when that person is already molded as an individual.